Hei Kayla #13 – Happy Birthday

Posted: October 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

Hey anakku,

Lama sekali rasanya Ami ga nulis surat cinta buat Kaykay, biarpun ga ada suratnya.. Cinta nya ga abis2 nakku… ♥

Hari ini, 3 tahun yang lalu, Ami kelimpahan rejeki, anak bayi perempuan cantik dan sehat. Ga terasa waktu berjalan, anak bayinya sekarang sudah besar, udah bisa jalan, pinter ngomong plus udah bisa protes :).

Terima kasih untuk perjalanan 3 tahun ya Nakku, Ami belajar banyaaaaak dari Kayla, Ami kuat karena ada Kayla, belajar melepaskan dan ikhlas, belajar bahwa ga ada yang sempurna dan ga ada yang abadi di dunia ini dari perjalanan bersama Kayla.

Ami minta maaf nak, kalau sampai sekarang kita masih harus pisahan, Kayla masih nangis di Minggu sore minta ikut kalau Ami berangkat ke Jakarta. Maaf nakku, kalau ternyata sekarang belum waktunya. Mungkin kita sama-sama harus belajar sabar. Ga semua yang kita inginkan, bisa terwujud sekarang, tapi Ami yakin suatu saat nanti pasti.

Selamat ulang tahun nakku, doa Ami semoga Kayla bisa menjalani hidup apa adanya, bahagia selalu itu ga mungkin Nak, jadi walaupun nanti disaat Kayla lagi ga bahagia, semoga Kayla bisa menjalani.

Happy 3rd Birthday dear Kayla Lorraine Alessandra, thank you for always reminding me of the fun in life and bringing so much joy and love into my life…
thank you for choosing me to be your Mom…I feel blessed..

Ami loves you so much Nakku ♥

Hei Kayla #12

Posted: March 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

Malem nakku, apa kabarnya dirimu hari ini? Mudah-mudahan nakku sehat, bahagia seperti biasanya ya sayang. Ami merinduuu sekali, hampir sebulan rasanya kita tak berkomunikasi seperti biasa, well gonna explain on that later ya baby…

Ini malem minggu nakku, dimana orang-orang mungkin sedang menghabiskan waktu dengan orang-orang yang disayang, while here I’m alone, missing you so badly… *vulnerable side of me talking*.

Kayla, you know what, Ami sudah pernah merasakan jauh dari pasangan tapi kok ya rasanya ga seberapa dibanding kangennya Ami sama kamu nakku. Sakit didada rasanyooo sesak, ketidakmampuan untuk ada dideket kayla, nyalahin diri sendiri berlebihan, harapan yang panjang dan tak kunjung terlihat akan tercapai… I’m overwhelmed baby.. I miss you…

Well, feelings are much like wave baby… Kadang tinggi kadang rendah, I think I’m at that low point of emotion ride. Can’t handle this feeling.. I just need to see you, as always you are my remedy.

Enjoy your saturday nite darling, I’m trying to enjoy mine ..

*dear universe, give me strength to face this so I would be able to endure the journey ahead*

Posted with WordPress for chaberry

weaning with gunting

Posted: February 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

Nah ini baru kerasa emak2nye, kalo postingan udah tentang urusan tumbuh kembang bocah. Yak bener kalo ada orang bilang parenting has never been an easy job, as the job of raising a child doesn’t come with instruction and manual. Booookk ini soal hidup anak manusia yaa, mulai dari hal kecil urusan kamar mandi pun bisa jadi isu berbulan bulan, dari kebiasaan minum susu pun bisa jadi urusan besar. Yeaaa kali ini soal ketergantungan kaylung sama botolnya.

Sekitar bulan mei tahun lalu, 2 minggu sebelum gw dapet kabar untuk kerja di Jkt, Kayla kena sariawan, nah dr situ ntah kenapa insting gw jalan aja utk sekalian nyapih ASI nya. Karena mulutnya sakit, jd ga doyan nen. Dan syukurnya waktu itu berjalan lancar, dan pas waktunya gw harus ninggalin Kayla utk kerja. Tampaknya semesta punya time table yg lebih canggih dari gw..

Semenjak gw di Jkt, jadilan asupan utama utk susunya kaykay dari UHT dan diberikan pake botol dot, udah coba segala jenis botol dgn sedotan,doidy dll tp untuk susu tetep mau dgn botol. Tadinya gw ga merasa yah sudahlah emang maunya bocah begitu, sampe akhirnya gw mau mengurangi asupan susunya Kaykay krn kebanyakan *bisa 1ltr sehari*. Gw bilang ke org rumah kalo kasih susu cukup 80aja+140an air angetnya, dan terbukti kayla masih doyan, padahal itu rasanya udah hampir tawar. Gw perhatiin dia minta minum susu ketika udah ga ada aktivitas yg dia mau, udah mati gaya gitu, dan ketika ngantuk. Kesimpulan gw adalah kayla lebih nyari kenyamanan ngedot nya daripada rasa si susu sendiri. Yang mana berarti semacam ketergantungan sama dot. Makin lah khawatir ya ijk, ditambah lagi gigi yang mulai maju 2 didepan, dan gigi bawah yang mulai memperlihatkan tanda2 karies. Padahal juga sikat gigi rutin. Pasti pengaruh gula yg ada disusu dan karena minum dr botol kalau mau tidur malem.

Segeralah ketika gw ada break kerjaan agak lama, bikin program weaning. Nyari di internet segala tips dari hypnoparenting dll lah ya. Gw coba itu hypnoparenting tp emang ga pernah mujur di Kayla, dr jaman dulu deh hypno carsitting dan hypnohighchair-ing ga pernah ada yang oke. Gw lebih tertarik ke artikel yang bilang mungkin coba dirusak aja botolnya, nanti dijelaskan ke anaknya botol sudah rusak dan ga bisa dipake *winkk ini tampak oke*. Langsung lah gw mempraktekkan metode ini, pagi2 udah gunting2 smua dot di botol menjadi lubang yg lebih besar, jd ga bs dikenyot lg, karena susunya akan ngalir. Sampe saat kayla minta susu, dengan santainya gw bikinin tapi pake nahan ketawa, begitu bocahnya minum, mo ngenyot ga bs karena susunya ngalir, dengan muka bingung kayla bilang “ami, ini susunya keluar2″ *duuuhhhh sumpe ga tahan ketawa ami dek, emak tega super deh*. Yakk tampang serius ami langsung deh “waduuhh, kenapaaa ya,waaaa botolnya rusak, ga bisa dipake lagi ya”.. dan Kaykay pun tetap dengan muka bingung menatap botol2. Ga lama dateng ibu Nah, dan nenek yang nimbrung dan bilang kalo botol dimakan tikus.. Zzzz bukan ami loh dek yang bilang haahhaah.. Jd yaaa kayla mikirnya si botol dimakan tikus, rusak semua ga bs dipake.

Surprisingly, metode ini berhasil dengan kilat.. Ga pake drama, ga ada acara nangis2, cuma ada muka bingung kayla di awal, dan muka penuh nasehat di akhir “ami, botol yang ini *botol baru pake sedotan* simpen yang bener ya, biar ga digigit tikus”. Baiklaaah kaykay will do that babyyyy :).
Metode ini sepertinya cucok dicoba oleh emak2 berbakat sesat dan nekat dan tak punya banyak waktu sama anak kayak gw, kalo yg punya banyak waktu dan konsisten lebih disarankan hypnoparenting yak

Super lega juga deh aminya kaykay udah besar dan berhasil lepas botol, dan efek positifnya makan jadi gampang banget, sering minta cemilan buah yayyyy. Efek agak negatif ya susah tidur, karena ga ada dot sebagai pengantar nya, jd ga bisa tidur siang, ketiduran selalu di jam 5, bangun di jam 7 dan tidur malem jam 11. Susu skrng udah sedikit sekali, karena ga doyan diminum pake doidy, tak papooo nak.. Kita minum jus aja yaah tak usah susu lagi :) *kebanyakan baca timeline food combining*

ps: kalo kaykay udah bisa baca postingan ini, hahahaha maapkeun ya bebi, emang waktu kamu kecil musti ada trik2 dikit gitu deh ya.. Demiii dek demiii, demi gigi mu yang bersih dan sehat otreeeeehhhh.

Posted with WordPress for chaberry

28th

Posted: February 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

Postingan yg sungguh terlambat, happy belated birthday dear me. Dulu gw sering ngerasa ga mau tua, pengen selalu di usia 24-25, my golden age. Tapi skrng berasa ga sabar ke 30 :) yes, semakin disadari bener lah yang dibilang morrie kalo gw pengen ada di umur 24-25 terus berarti setelah 25 kehidupan gw super ga menyenangkan, mungkin di satu sisi itu benar adanya, tp disisi lain banyak sekali pelajaran hidup yg gw dapet di 3 tahun terakhir.

Pelajaran tentang impermanence of everything, tentang harta, cinta, anak, pertemanan, pekerjaan, bisnis, aihh makkk datengnya barengan ga pake nyicil. But at least, now I can say, I’ve learned my lesson *learned it the hard way* and I’m forever grateful. Semua diambil hikmahnya, things happened for a reason toh?

Semoga usia 28 menjadi awal yang baru, tak muluk2 bercita cita menjadi manusia yg lebih baik because I think I’ve done a great job hahahaha *sotoooy*. Melanjutkan hidup apa adanya, berusaha untuk selalu hidup dimasa sekarang karena yang lewat sudah lewat, yang kedepan belom dateng *mantra wajib*.

Dan ulang tahun kali ini dirayakan tanpa perayaan, cukup kayla nyanyi potong kuenya, sambil potong2 playdoh :)) *I’m a happy mommy.. Thank you universe*

Posted with WordPress for chaberry

hei kayla #11

Posted: February 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

Hei nakku…

Ami misses you so bad.. it’s been a week without proper phone convo with you. I don’t have any idea why you didn’t want to talk to me over phone while I also have lotsa things weighing my mind lately. My work, Amaya… and most of all our long distance relationship plus the pms thingy making a perfect combo. I miss you so much babyy *weep*

Just watched tribute to Whitney Houston on MTV, as she just passed away last week…what a loss baby. I remembered one of her song, titled You’ll Never Stand Alone, and I burst into tears once I listened to it again. I think she dedicated this song to her daughter.. Such a powerful and meaningful song.. You may take a look..

If there’s a time when the fears should fill your eyes
And you can’t see past the shadows
To the sun on the other side
Don’t despair, because there always will be
someone there
Don’t lose faith, love won’t let you lose your way
Because

You, you’ll never stand alone
I’ll be standing by
I’ll keep you from the cold
I’ll hold you when you cry
I’ll be there to be strong

When you can’t find the strength inside
And you, you’ll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You’ll never stand alone
Love is standing by

If there’s a day when the rain should find your heart
And you’re cold and tried and lonely
And this would has you in the dark
Don’t be scared, you can just reach for me and I’ll be there
Don’t lose hope, love will see you through you know
Because

You, you’ll never stand alone
I’ll be standing by
I’ll keep you from the cold
I’ll hold you when you cry
I’ll be there to be strong

When you can’t find the strength inside
And you, you’ll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You’ll never stand alone
Love is standing by

Standing by to life you above all the hurt and pain
Standing by to carry you through all the tears and ain
Reach for me, I’ll be with you
Reach for me, I’ll see you through

I’ll be the one to hold you
The one to show you that
You, you’ll never stand alone
I’ll be standing by

I’ll keep you from the cold
I’ll hold you when you cry
I’ll be there to be strong
When you can’t find the strength inside
And you, you’ll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You’ll never stand alone
Love is standing by

*i dedicated this song for you Kayla.. You’ll never stand alone.. ♥*

Posted with WordPress for chaberry

hei kayla #11

Posted: February 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

Hei nakku…

Ami misses you so bad.. it’s been a week without proper phone convo with you. I don’t have any idea why you didn’t want to talk to me over phone while I also have lotsa things weighing my mind lately. My work, Amaya… and most of all our long distance relationship plus the pms thingy making a perfect combo. I miss you so much babyy *weep*

Just watched tribute to Whitney Houston on MTV, as she just passed away last week…what a loss baby. I remembered one of her song, titled You’ll Never Stand Alone, and I burst into tears once I listened to it again. I think she dedicated this song to her daughter.. Such a powerful and meaningful song.. You may take a look..

If there’s a time when the fears should fill your eyes
And you can’t see past the shadows
To the sun on the other side
Don’t despair, because there always will be
someone there
Don’t lose faith, love won’t let you lose your way
Because

You, you’ll never stand alone
I’ll be standing by
I’ll keep you from the cold
I’ll hold you when you cry
I’ll be there to be strong

When you can’t find the strength inside
And you, you’ll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You’ll never stand alone
Love is standing by

If there’s a day when the rain should find your heart
And you’re cold and tried and lonely
And this would has you in the dark
Don’t be scared, you can just reach for me and I’ll be there
Don’t lose hope, love will see you through you know
Because

You, you’ll never stand alone
I’ll be standing by
I’ll keep you from the cold
I’ll hold you when you cry
I’ll be there to be strong

When you can’t find the strength inside
And you, you’ll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You’ll never stand alone
Love is standing by

Standing by to life you above all the hurt and pain
Standing by to carry you through all the tears and ain
Reach for me, I’ll be with you
Reach for me, I’ll see you through

I’ll be the one to hold you
The one to show you that
You, you’ll never stand alone
I’ll be standing by

I’ll keep you from the cold
I’ll hold you when you cry
I’ll be there to be strong
When you can’t find the strength inside
And you, you’ll always have a home
In these arms of mine
You’ll never stand alone
Love is standing by

*i dedicated this song for you Kayla.. You’ll never stand alone.. ♥*

Posted with WordPress for chaberry

tuesday with morrie

Posted: January 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

there’s another book by Mitch Albom titled Tuesday with Morrie which i have just finished. This piece is just amazing and simply inspiring. As I said in previous post that I’m no good in reviewing the book, I will just share my favorites lines that have struck me in special ways..

  • Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do.  Accept the past as past without denying it or discarding it. Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others. Don’t assume that it’s too late to get involved.
  • There are some mornings when I cry and cry and mourn for myself.  Some mornings, I’m so angry and bitter. But it doesn’t last too long. Then I get up and say, I want to live . . .
  • Have you found someone to share your heart with? Are you giving to your community? Are you at peace with yourself? Are you trying to be as human as you can be?
  • Dying, is only one thing to be sad over. Living unhappily is something else. So many of the people who come to visit me are unhappy.
  • The culture we have does not make people good about themselves. We’re teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work don’t buy it. Create your own. Most people can’t do it.
  • I may be dying, but I am surrounded by loving, caring souls. How many people can say that?
  • Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn’t. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle. A wrestling match. Yes you could describe life that way. Which side wins?. Love wins. Love always wins.
  • So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”
  • One day, I’m gonna show you it’s okay to cry.
  • Maybe death is the great equalizer, the one big thing that can finally make strangers shed a tear for one another
  • You asked about caring for people I don’t even know. But can I tell you the thing I’m learning more with this disease? The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. Let it come in. We think we don’t deserve love, we think if we let it in we’ll become too soft. But a wise man named Levine said it right. He said, Love is the only rational act. Love is the only rational act.
  • I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still
  • Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people to trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too–even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling.
  • The culture doesn’t encourage people to think about such things until you’re about to die. We’re so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks, we are involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don’t get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?
  • Everyone knows they’re going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently.
  • The truth is, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.
  • Because, most of us all walk around as if we’re sleepwalking. We really don’t experience the world fully, because we’re half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do. Well, the truth is, if you really listen to that bird on your shoulder, if you accept that you can die at any time–then you might not be as ambitious as you are.
  • Even I don’t know what ’spiritual development’ really means. But I do know we’re deficient in some way. We are too involved in materialistic things, and they don’t satisfy us. The loving relationship we have, the universe around us, we take these things for granted.
  • If you don’t have support and love and caring and concern that you get from a family, you don’t have much at all. Love is so supremely important. As our great poet Auden said, ‘Love each other or perish.
  • This is part of what family is about, not just love, but letting others know there’s someone who is watching out for them. Knowing that your family will be there watching out for you. Nothing else will give you that. Not money. Not fame. Not work.
  • There is no experience like having children. That’s all. There is no substitute for it. If you want to have the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children.
  • You know what the Buddhists say about? Don’t cling to things, because everything is permanent
  • If you hold back on the emotions–if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
  • But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say “All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment”
  • I thought about how often this was needed in every day life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.
  • Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won’t hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, All right, it’s just fear, I don’t have to let it control me. I need to see it for what it is
  • Same for loneliness, you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely, but eventually be able to say All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I’m not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the work and I’m going to experience them as well
  • The truth is, when our mothers held us, rocked us, stroked our heads, none of us ever got enough of that. We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough
  • As you grow you learn more. If you stayed at twenty two, you’d always be as ignorant as you were at twenty two.
  • Aging is not just decay, you know. It’s growth. It’s more than the negative that you’re going to die, it’s also the positive that you understand you’re going to die, and that you live a better life because of it. You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven’t found meaning. Because if you’ve found meaning in your life, you don’t want to go back. You want to go forward. You want to see more, do more. You can’t wait until sixty-five.”
  • It is impossible for the old not to envy the young. But the issue is to accept who you are and revel in that.
  • You have to find what’s good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And, age is not a competitive issue.
  • It’s all part of the same problem. We put our values in the wrong things. And it leads to disillusioned lives.
  • We’ve got a form of brainwashing going on in our country. Owning things is good. More money is good. More property is good. More commercialism is good. More is good until nobody bothers to even think otherwise. The average person is so fogged up by all this, he has no perspective on what’s really important anymore
  • These were people so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes. They were embracing material things and expecting a sort of hug back. But it never works. You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship. When you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you’re looking for, no matter how much of them you have.
  • If you’re trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down at you anyhow. And if you’re trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone.”
  • Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won’t be dissatisfied, you won’t be envious, you won’t be longing for somebody else’s things. On the contrary, you’ll be overwhelmed with what comes back.”
  • I’ve got so many people who have been involved with me in close, intimate ways. And love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.
  • Part of the problem, is that everyone in such a hurry, People haven’t found meaning in their lives, so they’re running all the time looking for it. They think the next car, the next house, the next job. They find those things are empty, too, and they keep running.
  • Marriage, almost everyone I knew had a problem with it. Some had problems getting into it, some had problems getting out.
  • There are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage : If you don’t respect the other person, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don’t know how to compromise, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can’t talk openly about what goes on between you, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don’t have a common set of values in life, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike. And the biggest one of those values. Your belief in the importance of your marriage.
  • People are only mean when they’re threatened, and that’s what our culture does. That’s what our economy does. Even people who have jobs in our economy are threatened, because they worry about losing them. And when you get threatened, you start looking out only for yourself. You start making money a god. It is all part of this culture.
  • Every society has its own problems, The way to do it, I think, isn’t to run away. You have to work at creating your own culture.
  • No matter where you live, the biggest defect we human beings have is our shortsightedness. We don’t see what we could be. We should be looking at our potential, stretching ourselves into everything we can become. But if you’re surrounded by people who say I want mine, now you end up with a few people with everything and a military to keep the poor ones from rising up and stealing it.
  • Invest in the human family. Invest in people. Build a little community of those you love and who love you.
  • In the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right? And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right?
  • Be compassionate, And take responsibility for each other. If we only learned those lessons, this world would be so much better a place.
  • There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?
  • Love each other or die.
  • Make peace. You need to make peace with yourself and everyone around you.
  • Forgive yourself before you die. Then forgive others
  • There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness
  • It’s not just other people we need to forgive, we also need to forgive ourselves. For all the things we didn’t do. All the things we should have done. You can’t get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened. That doesn’t help you when you get to where I am
  • People act as if death is contagious. It is not contagious you know. Death is as natural as life. It’s part of the deal we made.
  • That’s what we’re all looking for. A certain peace with the idea of dying. If we know, in the end, that we can ultimately have that peace with dying, then we can finally do the really hard thing. Which is? Make peace with living.
  • It’s natural to die. The fact that we make such a big hullabaloo over it is all because we don’t see ourselves as part of nature. We think because we’re human we’re something above nature.
  • As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. Death ends a life, not a relationship.
  • I know it hurts when you can’t be with someone you love. But you need to be at peace with his desires.
  • There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.
  • In business people negotiate to win. They negotiate to get what they want. Maybe you’re too used to that. Love is different. Love is when you are as concerned about someone else’ s situation as you are about your own.
  • There no such things as “too late” in life
  • Have you really had a teacher? One who saw you as a raw but precious thing, a jewel that, with wisdom, could be polished to a proud shine? If you are lucky enough to find your way to such teachers, you will always find your way back. Sometimes it is only in your head. Sometimes it is right alongside their beds

I read this book at the right time, when I need a gently reminder for myself about so many things I’ve missed because I’m too busy clinging on the past and fully occupied with worrying my future. I think I need to sit back and relax a bit, forgive myself and enjoying my life. Because I don’t have ability to change the past and never know what future brings.

*Tuesday with Morrie is based on true story, just watched Ted Koppel interview with Morrie, aahhh just can’t stop my tears”